Stories from the Kingdom of Klah

Mt Sackleview was once known as the only mountain you could see the ocean in all directions from. These days he is mainly known for being the only mountain in Klah history to have sent a formal letter to the local council complaining about back problems from the weight of all the tourists, and now only those riding small hovercraft are able to experience the view. There are rumours however, that Sackleview is currently penning another letter complaining now about the hovercraft noise, and that these too may soon be banned. Some are now referring to him as "Sacklewhinge", and we await his letter of complaint about this too

Royal Master Artist (Nina van der Voorn) is seen here on her way to the annual Moomitzell Celebration & Appreciation, which takes place in the streets of Klah at the end of Autumn. The moomitzell, for those of you not acquainted with this fascinating creature, is very important to the citizens of Klah as it produces and supplies over 90% of their milk. Moomitzell milk is much more nutritious than cow’s milk, and several exciting studies have been conducted suggesting that drinkers of moomitzell milk are six times as likely to successfully flip pancakes than consumers of regular cow’s milk.

A famous landmark in Klah – the seemingly unremarkable at first sight, but definitely very remarkable at first conversation, Oracle Shrubbery. This famous piece of foliage is known for its strange habit of starting up discussions with random passerbys, and its favourite topic seems to be Things That Are About To Happen Very Soon. So far he has accurately predicted winning racehorses, number one pop songs, and several full moons. Oracle Shrubbery’s explanation for this is that his roots go very deep and the ends have spread into the future, allowing him Deeper Understanding.

Many of you will have heard how nature is connected. There are small fish that zap around big fish and keep them clean, sea anemones that hitch around on the backs of crabs, and plants that will feed you in exchange for a good watering.

On the mysterious island of Klah, a species of native singing cat is responsible for the blooming of many fruits and flowers. The sound of forty cats wailing together in an alleyway is not normally something anyone in their right mind would go out of their way to hear, but these particular cats are considered an audial delicacy, and draw crowds from distant lands who flock to the island at different times of the year to watch flowers unfurl and vegetables hurl themselves up from the earth, each to a different type of music. 

For example, when it is time for the parsnips to arise, the cats perform a jazzy funk number, and when it is time for the roses to bloom a tragic opera rings through the streets, because it is well known that roses love a good heroine death. There are love ballads to turn the lemons sour, psy-trance for the goji berries and cabbages are always up for a snazzy disco. 

The cats still sometimes fight as cats (and temperamental artists) do, they brawl over creative differences and who gets the lead part in musicals, but they fight to music so it becomes a beautiful rhythmic fight dance, throwing shapes not punches and swiping xylophones not faces. When the fight dances occur strange new varieties of plants are often born, such as corn cobs made of pearls, forests of broccoli so enormous that people build treehuts in the branches, and perhaps most importantly, a potent purple catnip with sardines for flowers, which fuels the cats and continues the cycle of beasts and birds and all things fruity in Klah, & thus, the world continues.

Prince Algernon’s Rocky Face, South Klah. Photo: Nina van der Voorn

The Royal Family was rocked this week by the news that one of their relatives has been discovered turned into limestone and living in a cave in South Klah. In June 1908, Prince Algernon went missing at the tender age of 39 whilst out hunting for scrambleberries, and until last week, not a trace had been found of him since. The Klah Gazette interviewed both the Prince himself, and the man who made the startling discovery, Mr Archibald Manuscript, a reputable librarian who was out fossicking in the south of Klah.

“As a reputable libriarian,” says Mr Manuscript, “I have dedicated my life to the art of librarianship. Unfortunately the library insists on giving me days off, and so on these rather inconvenient days I spend my time roaming the country looking for lost pages and missing book jackets, a difficult task but one that must be done. On Saturday my search took me into a rather magnificent cave just outside of Torkeltum. This cave was easily the size of a respectable town library, and filled with magnificent stalactites and stalagmites. I must say that at first I did not notice the face in the rock, and then all of a sudden it sneezed and I was knocked to the ground by several falling stalactites, with every book I had ever catalogued flashing past my eyes. Miraculously finding myself alive, I was further astounded when the cave first apologized, and then asked me if I had any pikelets on me.”

“I was terribly sad when he didn’t”, said the Prince.