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Stories from the Kingdom of Klah

The Alberta Hopkins Porta-Portal

A Hopkins Porta-portal (circa 1950) one of dozens of unobtrusive, moveable portals constructed by Alberta Hopkins, who had a rather irritating husband. The portals quickly became immensely popular amongst those with unbearable spouses, neighbours, pets and children, and were produced up until the late 60s when television became widespread, providing an alternate form of escapism. Many Porta-portals still exist in working order today, and care should always be taken when entering unobtrusive, portable looking spaces for the first time.

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The Klah Gazette Finally Achieves Exclusive Photoshoot with Baroness von Petnickle

After a great deal of schmoozing and some several hundred letters with small treats enclosed as bribes, The Klah Gazette is excited to announce we have finally succeeded in a small but magnificent exclusive with the reclusive & elusive Baroness von Petnickle. Barely anyone has spoken to the Baroness since she ran away from home as a teenager on the back of a large harrier hawk, carrying only a ball of twine and a piece of half-eaten toast. For years sightings were reported from various central forests of Klah, witnesses describing an extremely well-dressed and glorious woman hurtling past them astride a golden antelope, tearing through the undergrowth surrounded by leopardhogs, or swinging through the trees with the notoriously surly native tamarinds (Saguinus oldmannus). These days the Baroness lives in a castle built from sticks and moss at the top of a tall tree, accompanied by an extraordinary variety of pets. She now speaks 38 languages, 36 of which are animal based, can identify edible fungi by scent alone, and catches insects with her tongue. A true inspiration.

Above: The Baroness with two Pineapple birds, which as their shape implies, are indeed descended from pineapples. Unlike most birds, they will not eat berries or fruit as they feel it is carnivorous, opting instead for wholegrains and a selection of nuts.

Above: The Baroness with her pet snake Clarence. Clarence works part-time as an eyebrow model enjoys long slithers on the beach, and is one of the Baronesses closest companions.

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The Cave of Rumours

Cave of Rumours, Northern Klah. Photo: Nina van der Voorn

Rumour has it that due to a strange mineral abnormality, everything made within the cave becomes magnificent, while another rumour suggests that the rumours are true. The cave, located on the side of a valley, deep in the jungle of Mumble - a place you'd normally avoid if you were looking for the serenity of nature - always has an unusual amount of creatures battling their way towards it - often clutching musical instruments, half knitted scarves, the beginnings of an epic novel so epic it cannot be begun, or perhaps the ingredients and utensils to make a cake batter for an important village bake off. Some skeptics have complained though - "it's hard to write an award winning poem when one person is learning the violin and someone else is using a cake mixer in what is essentially an echo chamber".

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First Mokkimfrazzler Installed at Calembourish Park, Hope for Those Affected by Mokkims

Sir Nikolai tests out the new Mokkimfrazzler, gifted by scientists to Calembourish Park on Saturday.

A new Mokkimfrazzler was installed at Calembourish Park on Saturday, bringing widespread joy to citizens. The Mokkimfrazzler is a revolutionary piece of technology designed by scientists to save Klah from bad jokes (or Mokkims as they are called in native Klah), which have become a huge problem in many parts of the country in recent years. Hospitals in Klah have become increasingly inundated with patients presenting cringe-related injuries and many social events have suffered as people opt to stay home not speaking to one another or wearing ear muffs.

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Yangbatfest, March 29th – April 1st

This weekend in Klah is the annual celebration of the yangbat, a small, nutritious fruit which once saved the life of King Leland II after he accidentally locked himself in a small wardrobe for two weeks with nothing but a pot of glue and 3 ripe yangbats: the flesh of which he devoured, and the pips he used to construct a working key to escape. King Leland II (1796 – 1872) was rather beloved by his people, as he wore comical socks and replaced the usual long, monotonous royal speeches with jokes and the occasional solo mime performance.  Hence, in honour of his fortunate escape, and in recognition of the remarkable fruit, a public holiday was declared. The citizens of Klah will spend this weekend performing the dance of the three yangbats, engaged in yangbat hunts, and generally eating themselves silly.

Happy Yangbatfest.

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