Stories from the Kingdom of Klah

Holes that emit light beams, Nilreb Province. Scientists are still working to determine why this phenomena occurs, though grandmothers have known for centuries that it is because of the Ruminatelbeasts who live just below the surface of the earth and shoot light beams from their eyebrows. These light beams are powered uncontrollably by their thoughts, which is useful when they are making a jam sandwich in the dark or looking for their favourite black t-shirt in a drawer of black t-shirts, but unfortunately the Ruminatelbeasts have a tendency to overthink even the most mundane of tasks, creating far too much light and making it hard to sleep. Hence the beasts, after much ruminating, came up with the ingenious idea to put holes in their bedroom ceilings and release unwanted thoughts and light into the world. Grandmothers of Klah (GOK) recommends a drop of clove oil on the temples before approaching, and never to whisper thought-provoking ideas down these holes unless you are in the market for an explosion.

Members of the ZAZZY SELRAHC Cult, Snacklehoc Lagoon

In Snacklehoc Lagoon (East Klah) there lies an island inhabited by the child cult  ZAZZY SELRAHC, who worship the famous mailman teleporter Mystic Charles (read more on Mystic Charles here). Klah Historians believe the ZAZZY SELRAHC were once a group of runaways looking for a circus to take them in when Mystic Charles accidentally teleported onto the island, appearing before them like a vision (his story is he was merely trying to deliver a phone bill to a Madame Clacklesok and was rather surprised to find himself surrounded by children, as Madame Clacklesok was notoriously allergic to youth). He spoke only three words before giving a small tap dance and vanishing again:

HI!

WHOOPSY!

TA RAA!

These historical words have become the motto of ZAZZY SELRAHC and are chanted during all ceremonies, declarations of war and difficult to prepare meals. The members of ZAZZY SELRAHC roam the island clad in oversized t-shirts bearing Charles’ likeness, their arms and legs bare even in the colder months, which they do not seem to feel. Each child carries with them a unique staff which is fashioned themselves as part of their initiation (inspired by Charles himself). The staffs are also used as spears for catching prey, in particular lagooncats and emerald-crabs, as well as for displays of warfare towards interfering adults who try to approach the island (TIP: perform the dance back to them to gain acceptance, or at least the chance to explain your purpose. This was how our Royal Master Artist was able to obtain this photograph). See diagram below for required movements.

Another fact of note is that the island the children have commandeered has a particular abundance of the native plant Cuppulus butternippus, noted for its large, cup shaped leaves that emit a scent very attractive to butterflies, and hence the creatures flock from all over East Klah for a whiff. The butterflies land on the plant and sigh with pleasure, which causes the vibrations of their nostrils to shake the black and white powder off their wings. This is quietly collected by the cupped leaves and in turn collected by the ZAZZY SELRAHC and used as facepaint. Two of the children (pictured) explained that the facepaint is useful for many things: tribal recognition, games of night-tag, and a welcome reminder that washing your face is discouraged amongst the ZAZZY SELRAHC – two thirds of the children we spoke to declared face washing was the reason they became runaways in the first place.

A Hopkins Porta-portal (circa 1950) one of dozens of unobtrusive, moveable portals constructed by Alberta Hopkins, who had a rather irritating husband. The portals quickly became immensely popular amongst those with unbearable spouses, neighbours, pets and children, and were produced up until the late 60s when television became widespread, providing an alternate form of escapism. Many Porta-portals still exist in working order today, and care should always be taken when entering unobtrusive, portable looking spaces for the first time.

After a great deal of schmoozing and some several hundred letters with small treats enclosed as bribes, The Klah Gazette is excited to announce we have finally succeeded in a small but magnificent exclusive with the reclusive & elusive Baroness von Petnickle. Barely anyone has spoken to the Baroness since she ran away from home as a teenager on the back of a large harrier hawk, carrying only a ball of twine and a piece of half-eaten toast. For years sightings were reported from various central forests of Klah, witnesses describing an extremely well-dressed and glorious woman hurtling past them astride a golden antelope, tearing through the undergrowth surrounded by leopardhogs, or swinging through the trees with the notoriously surly native tamarinds (Saguinus oldmannus). These days the Baroness lives in a castle built from sticks and moss at the top of a tall tree, accompanied by an extraordinary variety of pets. She now speaks 38 languages, 36 of which are animal based, can identify edible fungi by scent alone, and catches insects with her tongue. A true inspiration.

Above: The Baroness with two Pineapple birds, which as their shape implies, are indeed descended from pineapples. Unlike most birds, they will not eat berries or fruit as they feel it is carnivorous, opting instead for wholegrains and a selection of nuts.

Above: The Baroness with her pet snake Clarence. Clarence works part-time as an eyebrow model enjoys long slithers on the beach, and is one of the Baronesses closest companions.

Cave of Rumours, Northern Klah. Photo: Nina van der Voorn

Rumour has it that due to a strange mineral abnormality, everything made within the cave becomes magnificent, while another rumour suggests that the rumours are true. The cave, located on the side of a valley, deep in the jungle of Mumble - a place you'd normally avoid if you were looking for the serenity of nature - always has an unusual amount of creatures battling their way towards it - often clutching musical instruments, half knitted scarves, the beginnings of an epic novel so epic it cannot be begun, or perhaps the ingredients and utensils to make a cake batter for an important village bake off. Some skeptics have complained though - "it's hard to write an award winning poem when one person is learning the violin and someone else is using a cake mixer in what is essentially an echo chamber".