Stories from the Kingdom of Klah

Are you familiar with the Beetle of Excitement? As you can see, it has many wings, and soars higher than many birds. What a lucky beetle! Such exciting views!  Unfortunately, this enthusiastic creature also has a tendency to get over excited and in a peculiar twist of nature, this causes it to faint, and drop from the sky.  These days many Beetles choose to wear platform shoes made of cushions for a softer landing  (and equally, residents of Beetle prone areas choose to wear large padded hats).

In times of particularly exciting events, such as the last National Towel Folding Championships when a competitor secretly pre-dampened other competitors towels, befuddling their techniques and resulting in mass rioting throughout Klah, by which I mean several eggs were thrown and somebody lost a hat, preparations are also made for over excited beetles - safety nets are strung up, animal horns are decorated with tennis balls, and prickly bushes don their Special Occasion Excitement Cloaks. This is possibly where the famous Klah ballad comes from:

Should you ever see a bush wearing a coat! Get out your padded hat!   

Cape of Dreams, West Coast of Klah. As far back as anyone can remember, the ocean in this part of the world has from time to time thrown up strange creatures and unusual objects. Many believe these are the products of the ocean's dreams, and certainly the creatures that emerge from the depths are often one of a kind, and the objects have a tendency to change from one thing to another without warning. Although these items are treated as precious artefacts, they are no longer housed in local museums after a particularly unfortunate incident involving a display room of small dimensions and a finger puppet that suddenly became an enormous statue of a muffin. The National Museum of Klah now holds dream artefacts in generously proportioned rooms and requires visitors to wear protective outfits when they approach even the most seemingly innocent of objects.

There are many reasons why one might want to exchange one's head. You might have been cursed with a head that chatters about trivial things while you’re trying to nap, you may no longer wish to be mistaken for a famous pop-star - or, you may wish to be. You may be hoping to avoid your relatives, or trying to infiltrate the Bearded Men with Slender Noses Club. 

For these reasons, and many more, the Floating Head Exchange exists, overseen by one known as the Balloonman. To show the Balloonman you would like to partake in a head exchange, simply touch the palms of your hands to the ground and he will take care of the rest. Over the years this has led to several unfortunate incidents where passersby have tripped over and unwillingly participated in the one-way exchange (and then been charged for it).

Some have suggested that the Balloonman himself may have something to do with the mysteriously trippable objects that frequently seem to surround the exchange, asking him to explain the presence of cobblestone-coloured casserole dishes, mirrored disco balls and rakes made entirely of glass. The Balloonman responds to these accusations with a shake (and a wobble) of his rubbery head and says, his smiling expression unchanged, 

“You clearly have a suspicious mind. Perhaps you could do with a new one?”

The Tower of Conundrumus, and how it came to be in Goatskin Gorge, in the Western forests of Klah, has long been the subject of debate amongst historians and locals.

Some insist it was built by Goppenheim Claret, an extremely tall, thin and hygiene conscious man who lived some several hundred years ago, and who apparently used it as a custom-built shower.

Others disagree with this theory, arguing that it was obviously constructed by the local village to safely hide their famous plum cake recipe from jealous neighbouring towns, and still others declare it was erected by King Romulus the Romantic, to enable young lovers to hold hands and watch the setting sun.

Whatever the tower’s origins, it has certainly come in very useful in several historical battles, notably the Battle of Broomsticks in 1816, where an annual jam competition went horribly wrong and resulted in mass fighting with broomsticks by the participants. Fortunately a young boy had the presence of mind to steal the sought after winners trophy and escape to the tower, holding it at ransom over the edge until peace was restored.

The tower is now historically protected, and home to several families of swallows.

Another portal to Klah - not the door, that would be too obvious and there would constantly be girl guides and vacuum cleaner salesmen wandering into Klah. The portal here is actually the drainpipe, which must be shimmied up, meaning it is generally only used by small rodents, snails and contortionists. Voted number 8 in the "Worst Ways To Get To Klah" poll.